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1
00:00:58,251 --> 00:01:00,367
Can you hear that?

2
00:01:01,451 --> 00:01:03,726
- I can't hear anything.
- ExactIy.

3
00:01:03,726 --> 00:01:06,968
- I toId you it wouId be different.
- City Iife.

4
00:01:06,968 --> 00:01:10,162
- Seen it, done it, bought the T-shirt.
- You won't get bored

5
00:01:10,162 --> 00:01:13,521
with a Iife of fresh air and bird-watching
and jam-making?

6
00:01:13,521 --> 00:01:15,801
Not with you by my side, Joyce HazIedine.

7
00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:16,551
Ah.

8
00:01:25,771 --> 00:01:29,446
Three-nine-nine-eight-five?
You got yourseIf a bargain, Joyce.

9
00:01:29,446 --> 00:01:33,279
Pam Draper.
WeIcome to LittIe Stempington.

10
00:01:33,279 --> 00:01:35,242
Oh, sorry. How d'you know about us?

11
00:01:35,242 --> 00:01:39,569
HeaIth cIub database. You're down
as potentiaI new members, Joyce.

12
00:01:39,569 --> 00:01:42,364
It's Iike a tardis in here.

13
00:01:42,364 --> 00:01:46,529
- Ah, one of the natives at Iast.
- Pam Draper. PIeased to meet you.

14
00:01:46,529 --> 00:01:50,405
There's some oIive tapenade,
waInut bread, few organic eggs.

15
00:01:50,405 --> 00:01:54,330
- I'm reaIIy touched.
- You'd never get this in the metropoIis.

16
00:01:54,330 --> 00:01:58,808
And I imagine you'II find poIicing a pIace
Iike LittIe Stempington a Iot easier, too,

17
00:01:58,808 --> 00:02:01,046
once you get started.

18
00:02:03,651 --> 00:02:05,562
Ah, very observant.

19
00:02:08,611 --> 00:02:10,602
Excuse me.

20
00:02:15,891 --> 00:02:17,449
HeIIo.

21
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:20,201
That's a strong grip.

22
00:02:20,201 --> 00:02:22,719
You must be Joyce's personaI trainer.

23
00:02:27,251 --> 00:02:31,403
You Iadies of LittIe Stempington
are a friendIy Iot, aren't you?

24
00:02:31,403 --> 00:02:33,487
HeIIo, Joyce.

25
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:37,444
HiIary Davenport.
WeIcome to LittIe Stempington.

26
00:02:37,444 --> 00:02:42,007
- We've done that bit, HiIary.
- Oh, Pam. What a nice surprise.

27
00:02:42,007 --> 00:02:46,090
As I was saying, you were Iucky to get one
on the south-facing side of the cIose.

28
00:02:46,090 --> 00:02:50,488
- They go quicker than The MaiI On Sunday.
- Any chance of using the IittIe girIs' room?

29
00:02:50,488 --> 00:02:52,840
Oh, er, top of the stairs, first right.

30
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,325
Mind if I come, too, HiIIy, Iove?

31
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:02,043
- What are you doing here, Pam?
- Just weIcoming the new girI.

32
00:03:02,043 --> 00:03:05,879
Oh, I thought you had Weight Watchers
on Tuesday morning.

33
00:03:07,651 --> 00:03:11,087
And to think, you were worried
about making friends.

34
00:03:11,851 --> 00:03:13,682
Oh! Uh.

35
00:03:20,171 --> 00:03:23,641
There just seems to be
so much more community spirit here.

36
00:03:29,851 --> 00:03:33,685
- Everything OK up there, Iadies?
- (Choking) Fine, thanks, Jerry.

37
00:03:40,091 --> 00:03:43,561
- Joyce won't be joining you.
- CamiIIa says otherwise.

38
00:03:43,561 --> 00:03:46,205
I don't give a fuck what your handIer thinks.

39
00:03:46,205 --> 00:03:50,039
So take your basket of shit
and go back to your kenneI.

40
00:03:50,039 --> 00:03:52,480
- Likewise.
- Oh!

41
00:03:55,891 --> 00:04:02,160
Now, if any of your crew
so much as fart in the same room as Joyce,

42
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,009
we'II turn the Iot of you into organic mince.

43
00:04:12,931 --> 00:04:15,525
Nice big airing cupboard
you've got up there.

44
00:04:18,531 --> 00:04:20,681
Is Pam OK?

45
00:04:20,681 --> 00:04:24,246
PeIvic fIoor gave up the ghost
after baby number five.

46
00:04:24,246 --> 00:04:26,407
Didn't manage to make it to the bathroom.

47
00:04:26,407 --> 00:04:29,329
- Oh.
- Sends her apoIogies.

48
00:04:41,251 --> 00:04:43,401
Oh, you poor Iove.

49
00:04:43,401 --> 00:04:46,011
I know how fond you are of that trouser suit.

50
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,682
Margaret.

51
00:04:49,891 --> 00:04:52,644
I thought I couId show you
round LittIe Stempington.

52
00:04:53,571 --> 00:04:55,607
I haven't reaIIy started unpacking.

53
00:04:55,607 --> 00:04:58,006
There's someone I'm dying for you to meet.

54
00:04:59,411 --> 00:05:01,971
- What about supper?
- Don't worry about me.

55
00:05:01,971 --> 00:05:06,448
I'II have a fiddIe in the shed.
We'II get a takeaway Iater.

56
00:05:14,091 --> 00:05:16,605
He's weII-buiIt, your Jeremy.

57
00:05:16,605 --> 00:05:21,008
Bet things can get quite rough
when you two pIay hunt the hairy hot dog.

58
00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:27,851
Joyce, at Iast.

59
00:05:31,571 --> 00:05:33,209
CamiIIa Diamond.

60
00:05:33,209 --> 00:05:35,446
LiIIian Gordon-Moore.

61
00:05:35,446 --> 00:05:37,561
I Iike your sweater, Joyce.

62
00:05:37,561 --> 00:05:40,569
- Oh.
- I'm fond of cats myseIf.

63
00:05:41,331 --> 00:05:43,640
The Wicker Barn, LiIIian. Pronto.

64
00:05:53,691 --> 00:05:56,569
The oId town was buiIt in 1647

65
00:05:56,569 --> 00:05:59,683
and I think some of the residents
can remember back that far.

66
00:06:02,931 --> 00:06:07,447
- Oh, the cricket green Iooks IoveIy.
- Ah, yes. My husband Stuart pIays.

67
00:06:07,447 --> 00:06:11,279
He's a very aggressive bowIer
but very frisky afterwards.

68
00:06:14,051 --> 00:06:17,407
You can get everything you need
from this one parade of shops.

69
00:06:17,407 --> 00:06:19,282
ShirIey Thompson FIowers.

70
00:06:19,282 --> 00:06:22,641
Bit Iow rent. Uses her own excrement
to fertiIise the pot pIants

71
00:06:22,641 --> 00:06:26,570
but I can get you a discount
on everything except shrubs.

72
00:06:27,331 --> 00:06:29,242
And what have we here?

73
00:06:29,242 --> 00:06:32,089
Ah, yes. The Wicker Barn.

74
00:06:33,731 --> 00:06:37,280
Mm. Used to seII gorgeous,
hessian pIacemats.

75
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:41,483
- TiII it tragicaIIy burnt down.
- It Iooks fine to me.

76
00:06:41,483 --> 00:06:45,240
HoId this and press that IittIe red button,
wouId you, Joyce?

77
00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:59,566
Looks Iike they're cIosing earIy tonight.

78
00:07:01,811 --> 00:07:03,847
Next time you miss a payment, Iadies,

79
00:07:03,847 --> 00:07:07,247
we'II bury you aIive
in matching wicker coffins.

80
00:07:17,371 --> 00:07:19,407
Am I dreaming this?

81
00:07:19,407 --> 00:07:22,011
What do you think, HiIary?
Is Joyce dreaming?

82
00:07:22,011 --> 00:07:26,647
Were you on the receiving end of
cunniIingus from Robert KiIroy SiIk, Joyce?

83
00:07:28,571 --> 00:07:32,883
You...you just bIew up The Wicker Barn.

84
00:07:33,491 --> 00:07:36,722
TechnicaIIy, Joyce,
it was actuaIIy you who bIew it up.

85
00:07:36,722 --> 00:07:37,562
I, I...

86
00:07:42,851 --> 00:07:45,490
That's it, Joyce. Let it aII out.

87
00:07:52,651 --> 00:07:54,960
Those women couId have been kiIIed.

88
00:07:55,451 --> 00:07:59,569
Goodness me, no. LiIIian can bIow the door
off a Smeg fridge

89
00:07:59,569 --> 00:08:02,842
without so much as damaging
an organic vine tomato.

90
00:08:02,842 --> 00:08:05,644
Why? Why did you do it?

91
00:08:06,531 --> 00:08:09,045
Let me ask you a simpIe question, Joyce.

92
00:08:09,771 --> 00:08:12,160
Why did you move to LittIe Stempington?

93
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:16,762
Jeremy was posted here and, can't quite
beIieve I'm saying this now, but...

94
00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:17,762
Yes?

95
00:08:19,211 --> 00:08:23,887
When we came to Iook around,
I feII in Iove with the pIace.

96
00:08:23,887 --> 00:08:26,604
Oh. Because it's cIean?

97
00:08:27,531 --> 00:08:29,567
Because there's no graffiti?

98
00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:33,604
Because there are no deIinquent teenagers
sniffing ToiIet Duck in the arcade?

99
00:08:33,604 --> 00:08:36,085
And how d'you think it stays that way?

100
00:08:40,531 --> 00:08:44,126
Ooh, heIIo, Wendy, Iove.
Is that a My LittIe Pony Iunch box?

101
00:08:44,771 --> 00:08:48,400
Pop in the back and sit next to
Auntie MiIIie, darIing.

102
00:09:06,011 --> 00:09:10,050
You see, now your fingerprints
are aII over this IittIe box, Joyce,

103
00:09:10,731 --> 00:09:12,528
you're the prime...

104
00:09:12,528 --> 00:09:18,043
No, you're the onIy suspect in that nasty
IittIe business back at The Wicker Barn.

105
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,161
This is ridicuIous.

106
00:09:21,571 --> 00:09:24,369
Oh, gosh, you don't want
Jeremy's first day in the job

107
00:09:24,369 --> 00:09:28,086
to invoIve sending you to the cIick-cIink
for the next ten years, do you?

108
00:09:28,086 --> 00:09:32,204
I wouIdn't want to be separated
from my husband if he had buns Iike that.

109
00:09:36,531 --> 00:09:39,250
- Why are you doing this to me?
- That's not important.

110
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:42,522
What is important, however,
is that you teII no one.

111
00:09:42,522 --> 00:09:45,688
That was the mistake that Jeremy's
predecessor made.

112
00:09:49,571 --> 00:09:51,960
I'II be in touch.

113
00:09:58,371 --> 00:10:00,566
- Nice bunch?
- Mm.

114
00:10:10,851 --> 00:10:14,969
<i>(Man on radio) A suspected gas explosion
wrought havoc in Little Stempington.</i>

115
00:10:14,969 --> 00:10:19,607
<i>No one was hurt in The Wicker Barn but
fire officers are counting occupants lucky.</i>

116
00:10:27,771 --> 00:10:30,160
Got a space for you right here,
Mrs HazIedine.

117
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,681
How do you know my name?
And isn't that a disabIed parking space?

118
00:10:33,681 --> 00:10:35,528
Don't you worry about them.

119
00:10:35,528 --> 00:10:38,961
Most of them are faking it,
especiaIIy the ones in shopping scooters.

120
00:10:38,961 --> 00:10:41,161
I make 'em park round the back.

121
00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:46,043
Do that again and I'II piss in your petroI tank!

122
00:10:48,331 --> 00:10:51,960
Nobody hoots at Mrs HazIedine,
you fucking fuck.

123
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:56,482
Now take your ration book
and fuck off home!

124
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,889
It's quite aII right. I am hoIding up the traffic.

125
00:11:00,889 --> 00:11:04,924
Under controI, Mrs HazIedine.
When you've finished, give me a shout

126
00:11:04,924 --> 00:11:07,087
and I'II have someone Ioad your car.

127
00:11:14,731 --> 00:11:17,882
Good morning, Mrs HazIedine.
Peter Astbury, store manager.

128
00:11:17,882 --> 00:11:21,480
And this is DougIas,
your personaI shopper for today.

129
00:11:27,651 --> 00:11:29,721
That'II be �8.50, pIease, Mrs HazIedine.

130
00:11:29,721 --> 00:11:32,331
There must be some mistake.

131
00:11:32,331 --> 00:11:36,523
Oh, er, I'm sorry, er, that's er, 5... �4.20.

132
00:11:36,523 --> 00:11:39,961
Just �4. I'm very sorry.

133
00:11:39,961 --> 00:11:42,730
There's about �70 worth of shopping here.

134
00:11:42,730 --> 00:11:45,763
Very reasonabIe in here,
don't you think, Joyce?

135
00:12:08,651 --> 00:12:10,448
Are you aII right?

136
00:12:10,448 --> 00:12:14,006
Oh, I thought I'd waIk to the supermarket
today for a change

137
00:12:14,006 --> 00:12:16,645
and somehow twisted my ankIe.

138
00:12:16,645 --> 00:12:19,410
- It Iooks nasty.
- I'II be fine.

139
00:12:19,410 --> 00:12:21,806
I onIy Iive about four miIes away.

140
00:12:21,806 --> 00:12:25,002
Four miIes? You can't waIk on that.
Let me drive you.

141
00:12:25,002 --> 00:12:27,326
Oh. I couIdn't impose. Ooh!

142
00:12:28,291 --> 00:12:32,489
Ooh. WeII, maybe some of the way
if it's not too much troubIe.

143
00:12:32,489 --> 00:12:35,841
- Come on.
- Oh, how kind.

144
00:12:40,091 --> 00:12:42,764
Barbara. Barbara du Prez.

145
00:12:42,764 --> 00:12:45,644
Joyce HazIedine.

146
00:12:45,644 --> 00:12:48,046
PIeased to meet you, Joyce.

147
00:12:50,531 --> 00:12:54,683
I know most of the faces around here
but yours doesn't Iook very famiIiar.

148
00:12:54,683 --> 00:12:59,566
- We've onIy just moved here.
- Ah. How do you find LittIe Stempington?

149
00:13:00,771 --> 00:13:02,887
Oh, you know.

150
00:13:02,887 --> 00:13:05,843
Doesn't sound Iike you're enamoured yet.

151
00:13:05,843 --> 00:13:10,248
- Not exactIy.
- I feIt exactIy the same before HRT.

152
00:13:10,851 --> 00:13:13,126
No, no, you don't understand.

153
00:13:15,171 --> 00:13:17,639
Oh, you poor dear.

154
00:13:17,639 --> 00:13:18,359
Sorry.

155
00:13:19,731 --> 00:13:23,770
I don't usuaIIy burst into tears
in front of perfect strangers.

156
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:27,360
Don't mind me, Joyce. I've worked
the Samaritans' Christmas bazaar.

157
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,561
I know misery Ioves company.

158
00:13:29,561 --> 00:13:31,886
I just feeI so aIone.

159
00:13:34,251 --> 00:13:37,766
Listen, I was actuaIIy on my way
to a coffee morning.

160
00:13:37,766 --> 00:13:41,770
A reaIIy nice crowd.
Why don't you come aIong?

161
00:13:41,770 --> 00:13:43,529
Thank you.

162
00:13:48,491 --> 00:13:50,925
WeII, weII, if it isn't Miss MarpIe herseIf.

163
00:13:50,925 --> 00:13:52,848
I thought I couId smeII cat piss.

164
00:13:52,848 --> 00:13:55,610
Looks Iike we're going to have to
up the ante.

165
00:14:04,651 --> 00:14:08,564
- DeIphiniums are Iooking good, Margaret.
- Thanks, Barb.

166
00:14:08,564 --> 00:14:11,079
This way, Joyce. Come aIong.

167
00:14:11,079 --> 00:14:14,009
Quiet as you can. Baby asIeep upstairs.

168
00:14:21,491 --> 00:14:23,800
- Joyce, hi.
- Pam.

169
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:27,161
- Oh, my God. What happened?
- Oh, yoga.

170
00:14:29,971 --> 00:14:33,247
You Ieft so quickIy the other day.
Is everything...OK?

171
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,963
Erm, fine.

172
00:14:37,931 --> 00:14:40,889
you couId fit a whoIe saImon
into this one.

173
00:14:40,889 --> 00:14:42,922
I Iove the coIour-coordinated Iids.

174
00:14:42,922 --> 00:14:46,168
I think we've got just the thing
for you in here, Joyce.

175
00:14:48,251 --> 00:14:51,243
Beretta nine-miIIimetre. Good, soIid pistoI.

176
00:14:51,243 --> 00:14:54,966
Squeeze off a fuII cIip and you can stop
a Fiat Panda at 50 yards.

177
00:14:54,966 --> 00:14:57,241
- FeeI it.

178
00:15:03,691 --> 00:15:05,886
This can't be happening to me.

179
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:09,920
Better put the kettIe on, Pam.

180
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:14,681
And bring in one of Margaret's home-made
Swiss Iogs. Joyce needs a sugar infusion.

181
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,321
Have a sip of tea, Joyce.

182
00:15:27,651 --> 00:15:29,323
- Is CamiIIa here?
- That bitch?

183
00:15:29,323 --> 00:15:31,168
That's enough, Pam.

184
00:15:33,011 --> 00:15:36,242
I can imagine some of the things
you're thinking, Joyce.

185
00:15:36,242 --> 00:15:39,124
To an outsider,
aII this must seem pretty strange.

186
00:15:39,124 --> 00:15:43,323
But before you judge us,
there are some things you shouId know.

187
00:15:43,851 --> 00:15:48,800
<i>Once upon a time, there was a woman
who was kind and courteous to everyone.</i>

188
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,480
<i>But there was one person
of whom she was especially fond.</i>

189
00:15:54,771 --> 00:16:00,050
<i>Me. Between them, the two friends
saw the good in everyone</i>

190
00:16:00,731 --> 00:16:05,885
<i>until one day, when something
very, very bad happened.</i>

191
00:16:20,211 --> 00:16:22,406
<i>lt was a horrific experience.</i>

192
00:16:22,406 --> 00:16:26,410
<i>But bizarrely, the two friends discovered
that what doesn't kill you</i>

193
00:16:26,410 --> 00:16:28,567
<i>sometimes makes you stronger.</i>

194
00:16:29,331 --> 00:16:32,129
<i>So they made a pact
that they would do their best</i>

195
00:16:32,129 --> 00:16:36,403
<i>to ensure the streets of Little Stempington
would never again be the target</i>

196
00:16:36,403 --> 00:16:39,090
<i>of lowlife lawbreaking scum.</i>

197
00:16:39,931 --> 00:16:44,447
<i>And once they started, they realised
they actually quite enjoyed it.</i>

198
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,765
<i>So they did it again and again.</i>

199
00:16:48,331 --> 00:16:50,686
<i>But then it all went wrong.</i>

200
00:16:50,686 --> 00:16:54,440
<i>Camilla got greedy
and she wasn't the only one.</i>

201
00:16:57,211 --> 00:16:59,679
<i>She crossed over to the dark side,</i>

202
00:16:59,679 --> 00:17:02,086
<i>taking Hilary and Lillian with her.</i>

203
00:17:03,931 --> 00:17:06,809
And ever since then,
it's been our mission to stop her.

204
00:17:06,809 --> 00:17:09,570
Good can't Iive in the same town
as eviI, Joyce.

205
00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:14,365
- WeII, why don't you go to the poIice?
- CamiIIa got there first.

206
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,762
Jeremy said he died in a car crash.

207
00:17:20,762 --> 00:17:23,371
When he suddenIy deveIoped a conscience,

208
00:17:23,371 --> 00:17:26,130
CamiIIa arranged a IittIe road accident.

209
00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:28,969
- Once she's got you she's got Jeremy.

210
00:17:28,969 --> 00:17:32,321
Once he's got him,
she's got aII of LittIe Stempington.

211
00:17:32,321 --> 00:17:34,566
- Does the whoIe town know about this?
- No.

212
00:17:34,566 --> 00:17:36,966
But those who do are too frightened to taIk.

213
00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:41,885
I haven't toId you about The Wicker Barn.

214
00:17:42,691 --> 00:17:45,125
God's sake, get down, Joyce.

215
00:17:48,251 --> 00:17:53,041
Ah! Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'm pissing bIood
aII over Margaret's new rug.

216
00:17:53,041 --> 00:17:56,128
- It's Scotchgard protected.

217
00:17:56,128 --> 00:17:58,685
- Better answer that, Joyce.

218
00:18:05,411 --> 00:18:10,087
You might want to move the Panda, Joyce.
We've decided to issue a IittIe warning.

219
00:18:10,931 --> 00:18:13,399
You couId heIp us take her down, Joyce.

220
00:18:14,491 --> 00:18:17,642
- How?
- We've never had anyone on the inside.

221
00:18:19,851 --> 00:18:22,319
Think about it. That's aII I ask.

222
00:18:23,211 --> 00:18:25,600
- You shouId go now.

223
00:19:03,451 --> 00:19:06,682
<i>(Pam) Welcome to Little Stempington.
(Hilary) Hello, Joyce.</i>

224
00:19:06,682 --> 00:19:08,847
<i>- ..someone l'm dying for you to meet.</i>

225
00:19:10,371 --> 00:19:12,202
<i>Joyce, at last.</i>

226
00:19:12,202 --> 00:19:15,960
<i>Hold this and press that little red button,
would you, Joyce?</i>

227
00:19:19,571 --> 00:19:24,565
<i>You're the only suspect in that nasty
little business back at The Wicker Barn.</i>

228
00:19:24,565 --> 00:19:28,729
<i>(Hilary) l wouldn't want to be separated
from my husband if he had buns like that.</i>

229
00:19:28,729 --> 00:19:32,081
<i>(Camilla) You don't want Jeremy's
first day in the job to involve</i>

230
00:19:32,081 --> 00:19:37,489
<i>sending you to the click-clink for the next
ten years, do you...do you...do you?</i>

231
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:47,125
- They made me do it.
- Too Iate for excuses, Joyce.

232
00:19:47,125 --> 00:19:49,401
DarIing, pIease.

233
00:19:49,401 --> 00:19:51,567
I'm afraid...

234
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:55,604
I'm gonna have to take you
straight upstairs for questioning.

235
00:19:59,891 --> 00:20:02,041
This pIace is gonna be so good for us.

236
00:20:03,041 --> 00:20:13,041
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